As of today, I am 32 weeks pregnant and now that the holidays have come and gone, it’s crunch time. I feel as though I have to get as much as I can done before her arrival. On top of all the preparing, we still have yet to choose a name for her. I wanted to take time on my blog and share the story of my miscarriage that happened a year ago. I knew that eventually I would share this part of our story so that it may help anyone who came across this one day that needed encouragement. I know when it happened to me, reading other women’s experiences about their miscarriages helped me immensely.
A year ago, on Christmas Day, I found out I was expecting and quickly shared the news with Adam on our getaway to Palm Springs. I didn't even bother taking a home pregnancy test because this was the third time around, and I already knew. We were filled with so much excitement and I quickly scheduled my first appointment at 8 weeks.
Adam and I went to our first appointment with excitement to see the tiny blinking heartbeat. Little did I know we were going to receive some unexpectant news. Not once did it cross my mind about not hearing a heartbeat because my previous pregnancies had no complications. In the days before the appointment, I noticed my nausea wasn’t as bad. I figured maybe this time around I wouldn’t have it as bad and didn’t think otherwise. Well, I knew something was wrong when she couldn’t find the heartbeat. Sure enough she looked at me and told me, “I’m sorry, but there isn’t a heartbeat, it looks like it’ll be a miscarriage”. I was in complete shock and didn’t know how to react or respond. I was numb and struggled to process everything she told me after that. It all made sense why I wasn’t experiencing the nausea and other symptoms as before. Adam basically did most of the speaking and asked questions after that. I was honestly just trying to understand what a miscarriage entailed. She gave me my options and I opted to let it happen naturally instead of having a minor procedure. So the waiting process began, and it happened two weeks later.
During those two weeks, Adam and I really had the time to process all that was happening. There were a lot of mixed emotions knowing there was a baby inside of me that was once alive and now it wasn’t. I was very thankful I was able to find out ahead of time and not on my own because I believe that would have been more traumatic for me. I had so many conversations with God during this time, asking for peace and understanding. I normally am one to share with my close friends but even that took a while and I had no desire to do so. I didn't feel like opening up at the time nor explaining to anyone any of the details. Looking back now, I felt like there wouldn’t be anything they could tell me that would make me feel better. I did eventually share the news, and it was in my own timing. I honestly had peace in my heart and came to realize that God does not give us situations we cannot handle and even though I can never comprehend the WHY, I still thanked God for His peace. I didn’t know the hardest thing would happen to me after the miscarriage occurred.
After 2 days of what felt like labor contractions and all that came with that, I walked into a hormonal rollercoaster just days later. I felt like I had no control over my emotions and it felt like an out of body experience. I had emotional meltdowns and many times pulled over while driving because of how freaked out I was. I felt horrible seeing my boys cry and I struggled to just “mom” them at times. Adam also reaped the brunt of my meltdown of emotions and he really tried to understand me when I couldn’t even understand myself. He did the best thing he could, he prayed for me. I thank God for him during this process because he saw me at my worst and yet he was still so kind. So after a Google search of the symptoms after a miscarriage, it turns out your hormones are not balanced which creates a rollercoaster of emotions.
God’s Word is Powerful
I knew that my only weapon to fight this was to PRAY! Now that I was was aware of it, I grabbed a hold of God and I brought it all to Him on a daily basis. For almost two weeks, I was fighting what felt like a spirit of depression wanting to pull me in. I resisted and ultimately put my trust in God. Trusting in Him is the only thing I was able to hold on to.
God doesn’t promise us an easy, care free life, but we are promised that God will work everything for our good if we seek Him and trust Him. Our losses and suffering only helps us come closer to Him. If we were never to go through and experience heartache, we’d never have a need to seek God. And now, a year later, I can see God’s blessing over my life because not only did He bring me out of that miscarriage depression but He also granted me to bear and carry a baby girl. I will forever worship His wonderful name!